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As if it was the brainchild of George Osborne

ANOTHER BIG CUP NIGHT

Round two of the ever-exciting group stages of Big Cup is upon us. Yawn! Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeawwwwwwwwww-un! Yawn. Zzzzz. Talk to the hand. Not interested. The Fiver is not interested. The Fiver is bored. The Fiver will be watching people get emotional about baking cakes on the other channel instead and it will be fun. Much more fun than whatever’s going on in a bloated tournament that, as if it was the brainchild of George Osborne, is designed to keep the rich rich and kill competitiveness in football and which doesn’t get going until the knock-outs start NEXT YEAR. José Mourinho is back in Portugal? Manchester City are taking on Serie A leaders Roma, who arrive in England with Arsenal legends Ashley Cole and Gervinho in tow? Struggling French minnows PSG hope Agatha Ruiz Dela Prada Book Bags to cause a shock against Barcelona? Well, whoop-dee-d … Hang on. Actually that’s all quite interesting. Well. Maybe the bake-off will have to wait.

So, Mourinho’s back in Portugal – what will he get up to next? – and presumably he’s hoping that Chelsea won’t be given too stressful a work-out by Sporting Lisbon, given that they won’t want to waste too much energy ahead of Sunday’s Are Prada Nylon Bags Worth The Money 24-0 thrashing of Arsenal (Cesc Fàbregas with the lot). But Mourinho does have a worry over Big Bad Diego Costa’s flimsy little hamstrings. “Next week, he goes to the national team. And I have the feeling that, with the national team, they will make no consideration for the fact he’s in trouble,” Mourinho wept. “So, in Lisbon, he plays. And, hopefully, he plays Sunday again against Arsenal. There is a risk, yes. But we accept that risk, he plays and, hopefully, everything goes well.” You have to feel Mourinho’s pain. If only he had some ridiculous financial advantage that would have allowed him to sign two top international strikers as cover for Costa …

Meanwhile Mourinho’s old chums Barcelona are in France, waiting to take on PSG, where concern is growing after, er, an unbeaten start to the season which has left them a whole five (5) points off the pace after eight (8) matches. More of that dismal form will earn Laurent Blanc a one-way ticket to the guillotine prada outlet, where PSG’s owners will pretend they can’t hear him shouting “BUT YOU IDIOTS BLEW THE ENTIRE TRANSFER BUDGET ON DAVID LUIZ AND FORGOT TO LEAVE ENOUGH FOR US TO SIGN ANGEL DI MARIA!” Clunk!

And then there’s City, brave City, hoping to make amends against Roma after a 1-0 thrashing by Bayern Munich a fortnight ago, with Heroic Hartdog expected to be be back in goal for the visit of Rudi Garcia’s side after being dropped for Wi11y “Wi11y” Caballero against Hull City. It’s a game that City dare not lose, even though they do still give the impression that they are not fully comfortable in their Black Prada Eyeglass Case Big Cup surroundings yet. “If Authentic Prada Outlet Online Uk we can fight for the Premier League title and get further in [Big Cup], that would be progress,” Manuel Pellegrini roared, doing his very best to remind the Fiver that it’s not too late to switch back to the cake-off.

LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE TONIGHT

A triple-header! First up, John Ashdown will be on hand for CSKA Moscow 1-3 Bayern Munich at 5pm BST, followed by Jacob Steinberg on Sporting Lisbon 1-1 Chelsea and Nick Ames watching Manchester City 1-1 Roma from 7.45pm.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

“I’ve got the right five men to help us find the right man for Fulham” – Fulham owner Shahid Khan, a la series seven of the US Office, announces his search committee to find a new manager for the club. They are: David Daly (senior director at Nike), Huw Jennings (manager of the Fulham Academy), Danny Murphy (former Fulham captain), Brian McBride (former Fulham captain) and Niall Quinn (um …). Obviously. Murphy will presumably be recommending himself, while other candidates are likely to include Kit Symons, Jim Carrey, James Agata Ruiz De La Prada Shop On Line Spader and that bloke from Everybody Loves Raymond. Po’ Kit Symons.

A BIGGER PLUG THAN THE ONE FROM THE BFG’S BATH

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FIVER LETTERS

“When the chips are down, the Bard is as good a man to Authentic Prada Fairy Bag Sale turn to as any. In As You Like It, he famously describes a fearless soldier as ‘bearded like the pard’. Time for Newcastle United’s manager to grow back his facial hair and get military on his players? Could be the making of him” – Thomas Mogford.

“@TheFiver Eric the thing who beheaded the lady is NOT a gentleman. I’m sick of people referring to him as one. #@ericbolling @greggutfeld” – Bill Bennett [another person tweeting us instead of @TheFive. Hopefully – Fiver Ed].

Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Thomas Mogford, in a photo-finish.

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BITS AND Best Prada Outlet Italy BOBS

Alan Pardew will get the chance to endure further humiliation after being left in control of his Newcastle team for Saturday’s trip to Swansea.

There is standing room only (or at least there would be if anyone could stand without twanging a groin) in the Manchester United treatment room after young forward James Wilson became the 11th and latest name on Louis van Gaal’s knack-list. And the crush has been too much for Ander Herrera, who has now got rib-snap.

No no. No no no no. No no no no. No no there’s no Sakho (in Liverpool’s squad to face Basel/Basle/Baaaarrrrl. And no Daniel Sturridge either).

Everton manager Roberto Martínez admits he is concerned about Kevin Mirallas’s hamstring-knack. “It isn’t a straightforward diagnosis,” he Doogie Howser MDed.

Pre-school’s Martin Odegaard has again been called into the Norway squad for their latest Euro 2016 qualifiers.

Crocked Olivier Giroud has still been able to hobble to a table and scrawl his signature on a two-year contract extension at Arsenal.

Kaka is set to become the highest-paid MLS player, earning more than Authentic Prada Handbags For Cheap $7m a year at Orlando City. ¢a¢a perhaps? “I belong to Je$u$”? Anyone? No? OK.

RECOMMENDED VIEWING

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New YouTube football channel signing Raf Honigstein with his latest Bundesliga round-up.

STILL WANT MORE?

Sid Lowe, Xavi Hernández and the all-time Big Cup appearance record. Read.

Mind you, Xavi would be nowhere without Patrick O’Connell, the Irishman who saved Barcelona from bankruptcy in 1937 before dying destitute in London. Read Paul Doyle’s excellent Forgotten Story.

Michel Platini as Prince Charles, a big cheese and Mini Me? It can only be this week’s Gallery.

Newcastle’s dejected leader will have to wait a little longer before he collects his rumoured £5m compensation package and flies off into the sun. But don’t worry Alan, writes Louise Taylor, the blessed end is nigh.

Current Basel/Basle/Baaaarrrrl manager (and former Swansea heart-throb) Paulo Sousa tells Nick Ames he never should have left south Wales, Are Prada Nylon Bags Worth The Money as his team prepare for the visit of Liverpool on Wednesday.

Oh, and if it’s your thing, you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.

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